My apologies for my long absence from Crap-Based Medicine. I spent that time coming to terms with how Jenny McCarthy could say this:

Mercury is the second worst neurotoxin on the planet, and that’s a fact. Get it out of our shots!

and then this:

I love [the possibly first worst neurotoxin on the planet injected into my fucking face], I absolutely love it. I get it minimally, so I can still move my face. But I really do think it’s a savior.

Jenny McCarthy, you’re a fucking idiot.

Here’s an idea. Let’s say you come up with a bullshit con that only requires you to wave your sweaty, hairy palms over someone’s bum knee before you declare their energies healed and charge them $500. Let’s say you call it “Therapeutic Touch.” Let’s say an 11-year old proves that you’re full of shit. WHAT DO YOU DO?

You put the word “quantum” in the name and continue as planned. Future endeavors include: quantum bloodletting, quantum homeopathy, quatum crap-based medicine.

Do magnets affect the iron in your blood, increasing circulation and bettering your health? Well, tell me this:

The last time you got an MRI, did the enormous magnets tear all the blood out of your stupid body?

No?

CRAP-BASED MEDICINE.

Our crack team of scienticians have investigated. Read on for the full report.

Q: Do vaccines cause autism?

A: No. Total crap. And while we’re at it, here are five more things that don’t cause autism:

1. Pirates

2. iPods

3. Television

4. Gnomes

5. Jesus

Nothing Sacred Says:
April 17, 2008 at 2:12 am

Can we give suggestions? I found this crap today: http://www.advancedhealthplan.com/ Why is it that the alternative health people who supposedly have all the answers have the crappiest websites?

The answer to your first question is: yes. The answer to your second question is complex and must be answered in stages. Stage 1 is an intensive study to determine the veracity of the assumption behind the question. The results of this study (conducted by the Crap-Based Medicine team) follow.

It has come to our attention that readers are demanding updates to Crap-Based Medicine. On behalf of my esteemed colleagues, I’d like to point out that crap-based medicine in general has been updated very little in the past several centuries, so why should you expect any different?

Wait. That’s not true.

Now you can stick it right on your stupid forehead.

All you need pounded into your thick skull is this:  “Phrenology is a true science, which is there to benefit humanity.” (click here)

I am conducting an official, scientifically verifiable, and undoubtedly, brilliant study.  Click on this site, enter your symptoms, view the results, and report back on your findings so that I can incorporate the data into the study. 

Eureka! and congratulations are in order, as I have discovered a new panacea, as I am busily crafting my latest treatise, I have temporarily entitled it ‘One Girl, One Cup’. Catchy title, dont you think?

So many have said to me “Good Doctor Sir, recommend the best diet.”  My decades of reserach into nutrition has yielded The Perfect Diet.