Please Participate In This Trial


I am conducting an official, scientifically verifiable, and undoubtedly, brilliant study.  Click on this site, enter your symptoms, view the results, and report back on your findings so that I can incorporate the data into the study. 

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125 Responses to “Please Participate In This Trial”

  1. Durnett Says:

    Good news! Asparagus officinalis will help me with my cough which gets better each time I cough. I thought that simply coughing a couple of times to clear my throat would be enough, but now I know that I need a homeopathic supplement.

    No help for the sweaty ears.

  2. Jane Says:

    I tried, honestly I tried but it’s quicker to go to a proper doctor to get a proper diagnosis, as for the sugar pills I can nick some cubes from the local Tesco’s cafe.

  3. Sam Says:

    I am not terrible ill, so i made one up. I complained of a sore, itchy pain and a sensation of a foreign body between my buttocks and in my anus caused be severe rupturing which got worse during sex, and that sneezing caused an involuntary stool…
    they recommended sulphur.
    hope i helped!

  4. Isaiah Says:

    Finally, the cure for my pruritic ass crack is found: SULPHUR! TMI? Probably!

  5. Dave Says:

    They recommend Phosphorus for a Pain in the Wallet, (rectum; insensibility)

    Seems apt.

  6. Middlerun Says:

    I put in a ridiculous mixture of mental problems, physical head pain and scary genital issues about which they asked disturbingly many questions. It recommended Belladonna, with a handy link to buy it.

  7. Fred Says:

    I said I itched all over in lots of different ways. The remedy is sulphur for about half of the itching symptoms. I got to see a “Remedy Grid”. It was a big matrix with lots of kinds of itching vs. these remedies: Sulphur, Mezereum, Alumina, Agaricus Muscarius, Causticum, Lycopodium Clavatum, Phosphorus, Mercurius Vivus, Arsenicum Album, Rhus Tox, Silicea, and Calcarea Carbonica. There were links to buy all of those remedies. How helpful!

  8. Rebecca Says:

    Well, I described standard allergy symptoms: congestion, sneezing, coughing, itchy throat and nose, etc. They recommend Nux Vomica.
    That was rather amusing to go through. Some of the things were just absurd, and then they left out obvious things like allergens. But apparently some people with one of the things supposedly feel better when they kneel facing their pillow. And a lot of other weird things which really made no sense at all. I think I’ll stick with real doctors. Or nothing, since that would do the same thing and is far cheaper.

  9. Nick Says:

    I don’t have any illnesses, so I put in a range of different symptoms, just kind of clicking on what was most amusing. Apparently, Nux Vomica should cure a number of my symptoms, including my problems when “frolicking with a woman” but not my face cancer. Also, I noticed one of the questions asked whether one “seeks solitude for masturbation” as a symptom. Who doesn’t do that? I would think that going to the mall or the workplace to do so would be a symptom of a problem. But I’m not a homeopathic doctor, so how would I know?

  10. Nick Says:

    Okay, this is too funny. I put in the symptoms of being constantly lazy just for kicks. Results follow. Also, one of the tick boxes had as an option, and I quote,”shuns the foolishness of men”. I’m going to use that one next time I go to a real doctor.

    “The homeopathic remedy which best matches your symptoms is Pulsatilla Nigricans Add to basket Of your symptoms, it applies to these:

    * mind; aversions, dislikes; business;
    * mind; better consolation;
    * mind; desires, wants; craving for alcohol;
    * mind; worse mental exertion;
    * mind; worse narrating symptoms;

    However, it is not relevant to the following. If any of them are central to your case, you should consult the remedy grid (click next again).

    * mind; aversions, dislikes; averse to being disturbed;
    * mind; aversions, dislikes; thinking;
    * mind; aversions, dislikes; thinking; morning; ;
    * mind; aversions, dislikes; thinking; afternoon; ;
    * mind; aversions, dislikes; thinking; evening; ;
    * mind; aversions, dislikes; writing;
    * mind; incapacity for business;
    * mind; desires, wants; craving for alcohol; drinking on the sly;
    * mind; desires, wants; to go home;
    * mind; desires, wants; fruitless activity;
    * mind; during manual work, fine work; ;

  11. Quint yes Quint Says:

    Apparently I am in desperate need of something called “Placebo.” They could not help me find this anywhere. Please, please, if any of you know where I can find some Placebo, please let me know. I already tried AOL.

  12. Kimbo Jones Says:

    I said I had “general injuries” to the genital area relating to “accidents and injuries” and it eventually, though many pages of defining, brought me to a page that contained the symptom “right ovary feels like a heavy ball”. Buh??!

  13. JC Says:

    As a stone-cutter, apparently to cure my syphilis and rid myself of that annoying warbling of birds sound which worsens in mooonlight, Calcarea Carbonica is going to be the ticket…

    is this thing for real? cause I sure ain’t.

  14. Redcoat Says:

    Interstingly, persistent male erection whilst riding, with impotence at all other times, is best alleviated by Baryta Carbonica (which is also efficacious in the treatment of scrofulous children – no home is complete without a bottle).

  15. Sam Says:

    I tried another, since there is so much potential for fun with all the symptoms they can ‘cure’…
    For my ‘spasming nose-wings’, i should apparently drink a homeopathic concoction of Lycopodium Clavatum, which i looked up on wikipedia. It is a member of the clubmoss family, whose spores are explosive if in high enough concentration in air. Mentions nothing of miraculous healing powers, though.

  16. Sam Says:

    Graphite apparently works wonders when your face is paralysed and has a sensation of cold air blowing on it. Or, Cimicifuga Racemosa if you sigh too much. If you are unfortunate enough to suffer from insanity which comes on suddenly during a thunder storm (and gets aggarvated when you see shiny objects, but is alleviated by rocking’ you should consider taking Hyoscyamus Niger. My favourite, though, is that they say taking Belladonna should help if you get ‘high spirited after drinking’!

  17. Rob Says:

    The homeopathic remedy which best matches your symptoms is Pulsatilla Nigricans Of your symptoms, it applies to these:

    stool; strong and sharp;
    generalities; worse change of position;
    generalities; bubbling;
    generalities; worse copper fumes;
    generalities; worse suppression of sexual desire;
    generalities; stone-cutters;

    However, it is not relevant to the following. If any of them are central to your case, you should consult the remedy grid (click next again).

    genitals; male; withered;
    genitals; male; withered; penis; ;
    genitals; male; jerking in penis; ;
    genitals; male; jerking in penis; head

  18. Codswallop Says:

    I’m supposed to take nux vomica. I don’t think I will.

  19. Sam Says:

    For my persistant,murderous thoughts (there is a box for people who think of ‘nothing but murder, fire and rats!) I should take Calcarea Carbonica.

  20. Darren Says:

    I made up blood in the urine and the reply was:

    “The homeopathic remedy which best matches your symptoms is Mercurius Vivus”.

  21. Scotty B Says:

    I hit my head on a piece of lab equipment this morning, here’s what I need for “head; bangs head; against things”

    Rhus Tox, Conium Maculatum, and Hyoscyamus Niger

  22. Reverend Ron Raeth Says:

    Apparently everything they offer has a chance of treatment fo “itching that feels like bugs crawling around in the anus.”

  23. Ranson Says:

    Well, I’m a fat insomniac with acne, back pain, and feelings of rage.

    Apparently, Sulphur is the treatment for all of these. Good thing I can get the stuff pure at work, along with purified water. But where am I going to find a good, leather-bound bible to succuss it with?

  24. Brad C Says:

    Lachesis is the cure to my cold and disturbing fecal issues. I am being prudent and buying a litre of the “1M” potency for $169.99.

    Do they think the raft of questions lends them a sense of legitimacy? I like the part that said “If you are satisfied with the symptoms you have entered so far, just hit the Next button without filling out any more boxes.” Wow, totally inaccurate AND time-saving!

  25. Brad C Says:

    Ha! I went to the Contact Us section to give them a blast, and this advisory was under the comments box.

    Please note: we can not provide medical advice by email.

    These crackpots wouldn’t know medical advice if it smacked them in their third eye.

  26. Sam Says:

    1 Mole per decimeter seems quite strong, i thought the solutions were all just different forms of infinitely dilute!? Is 1M a DIY (dilute it yourself) solution?

  27. Zeke Says:

    I said that I feel hopeful during thunderstorms. As such, I need Pulsatilla Nigricans.

  28. Dylan Says:

    apparently for my acne problems, there isn’t one cure-all, I need different ones for back and chest. Now, I would have thought I’d get enough Carbo Vegetabilis already, courtesy of my infrequent cooking disasters, since it’s “Vegetable Charcoal”. They also suggested Baryta Carbonica (Barium Carbonate)… forgive me if I’m wrong, but don’t they use Barium to show up your yummy insides on X-rays?

    But it’s just struck me, a homeopathic remedy’s function is not to put more of these things in your system, they’re specially targeted dilution agents to reduce the amount of Active Ingredient already in the bloodstream to Substantially Effective Quantities. -THAT- is why when skeptics test it, they only find water.

  29. paul fcd Says:

    dry mouth

    they prescribed Strontium.

    I was thinking water would do the trick, however I could be wrong.

    Maybe if the Strontium was sussurated in some Dihydrogen Oxide, the dry mouth would be cured.

    paul fcd

  30. The Rogues Gallery » Blog Archive » ABC Homeopathy Says:

    […] very brief post this week, but the amusing responses from this Crap Based Medicine post are worth reading on their own merits. Prepare to laugh, but if you shed a tear, it is perhaps […]

  31. davidnielsen Says:

    Apparently bloody stool, aching penis, thoughts of death and general lewdness is cured by phosphorus, but it will do nothing about my miscarriage.

  32. James Says:

    A question I got.

    …Do the symptoms occur in the following? . . . (genitals; male; erections; )
    in a child

    So they basically asked me if my erections ever occur in a child?? What am I, a priest?

  33. Paul Says:

    I actually do have this symptom so I guess I’m a better candidate for this highly scientific, officious, and brilliant study. I just took a large glass of homeopathic remedy from the tap in order to cure me of my symptoms.

    The homeopathic remedy which best matches your symptoms is Lachesis Of your symptoms, it applies to these:

    back; spasms;
    back; spasms; emprosthotonos;

  34. Pekka S Says:

    I’m often forgetful and absent-minded since I’m always thinking about a lot of stuff. So…

    Symptoms: Mind; intellectual faculties; impaired thinking; absent-minded;
    Remedies: Chamomilla, Cannabis Indica (Yay!), Platinum Metallicum

  35. Michael H-well Says:

    Apparently they can’t cure my sterility, although for female sterility they suggest “Aurum Metallicum” so I’ll have to take my chances with that.

    Would it work if I said I was a woman trapped in a man’s body?

  36. Zamboni Says:

    mind; bed; jumps out of bed; wants to destroy himself but lacks courage

    Treatment: quinine

    In what parallel universe can one sensibly make the link to “wants to destroy himself but lacks courage” from “mind; bed; jumps out of bed”?

  37. Rienk Says:

    Great, phosphorus will heal me from my lycanthropy!

  38. Sam Says:

    Zamboni; What is more worrying is whether they wanted to cure your suicidal thoughts, or your lack of courage preventing you from killing yourself?

  39. Tyler Durden Says:

    Great! Sulfur will cure my sweaty balls and excessive masturbation!

  40. The Emu Says:

    This is crap. I wanted a cure for my intermittently missing limbs, and I couldn’t find anything. I thought homeopathy was holistic?

  41. Tia Harlowe Says:

    I now know that Pulsatilla Nigricans will help me with the pain in my left knee. Especially since warmth makes it better and worse and cold makes it better and worse. Walking both makes it better and worse. As a matter of fact, everything makes it better (and worse).

  42. Mobyseven Says:

    It took umpteen screens just to tell them that I had a bleeding penis. And it wasn’t able to even recommend anything!

  43. andrew Says:

    “What best describes your symptoms?… Fat, Hard, Cancer”

    lollololollo i didnt know that cancer was a symptom

    if cancer is a symptom, i dont want to know what its a symptom of!

  44. Kelsey Says:

    I put in excema (reasonable proxy for my psoriasis) but the suggested remedy was pretty shocking:

    Secretions Have a filthy smell. Profuse sweating. Cardiac weakness. Skin symptoms very prominent. Often gives immunity from cold-catching. Easy perspiration when walking. Syphilis, inherited and tertiary

  45. Jedischooldropout Says:

    I decided to see what happened if I checked everything.

    It is a LOT of clicking.

    Sadly it couldn’t process so much information.

    But at least I’ve saved anyone else attempting the task.

  46. Jedischooldropout Says:

    So I made up some symptoms, starting with ‘foreign body in rectum’ which also included unconsciousness and the smell of a sweet acidic chemical (or as close to it as I could in the chart.

    Rather than tell me: “You my son, have fallen prey to the real life effects of the classic urban myth about having a closeted gay roommate.” It instead recommended: Nux Moschata.

  47. Kamil Says:

    Pulsatilla Nigricans apparently can help with my nose bleedings (and also if I would ever feel uncomfortable with only one pillow or afraid of ghosts). There’s a bunch of crap that can help me with my long sleep and difficult waking up, like Nux Vomica (good if I You don’t want to be touched or have a optic nerve atrophy) or Camphora Officinarum (cures cold and involuntary stool). And if I ever decide that my increased ear sensitivity is something that needs to be taken care of, I will simply buy Lachesis (or just borrow it from a friend who has nightly delusions of fire and cellulitis) or Zincum Metallicum (seems also good for bleeding gums and reflex symptoms from floating kidney). I think that’s enough 🙂

  48. Kamil Says:

    Damn, I couldn’t resist. For the feeling of my penis being absent I should use… cocaine. Not a joke,
    Short erection after sexual intercourse seems something worth curing. I’ve chosen Natrum Carbonicum, cause it also can solve my problem of being hungry at 5 a.m and… oversensitive of hearing… well, it wasn’t in the suggestions when I picked that very symptom… nevermind.

  49. Kdub Says:

    At some point, I was allowed to complain about an aura that extends from my womb to my neck. I suggested that this aura also smells of sperm. My poop is apparently white, like curdled cheese and smells of dead bodies. I don’t even know what they recommended. I was laughing too much at the available answers to bother getting to the end.

  50. Sam Says:

    Good news for sufferers of the well known, highly distressing disease of ‘eyelashes falling off’, there is hope in the form of Rhus Tox.

  51. Sam Says:

    Haha! Sulphur can apparently cure dwarfism that is aggravated by moonlight!

  52. Sam Says:

    Antimonium Crudum for slow growth of finger nails!

  53. Sam Says:

    If you wake up in the morning, take Lycopus Virginicus. Why would you cure waking up!?

  54. Rod Says:

    My vertigo presents as pus-based earwax, and apparently Sepia will cure me.

  55. Nash Says:

    Since all you are giving the patient at the end of the day is water on a sugar pill, then it doesn’t really matter what results your program comes up with. There isn’t a quality control issue here.
    Hope this helps.

    You don’t have ‘fear of tigers’ or lions as a symptom.

  56. Jon Says:

    I need Calcarea Carbonica to cure my tiredness and general feeling of lethargy after sexual intercourse and masturbation. Up to this point I have cured this with sleep after adequate cuddle time.

  57. jedischooldropout Says:

    After injuries to the head which cause symptoms of baldness and splashing – which are made aggreavted by washing the head…

    Hepar Sulphuris Calcareum

    Perhaps not washing the hair off my head with splashing vigour might have the same effect.

  58. jedischooldropout Says:

    Mouth; as if filled with air…

    Seriously? What do you normally expect from the main cavity in your face?

    And if you were to fill it with water that would solve the problem (if you really insist it IS a problem). No need to add the Aconitum Napellus that is recommended. Why go to all the hassle of adding it, then diluting it to a state of non-presence, just to fill the mouth with water?

    …wait a second… Homeopathy makes no sense!

  59. twelvesamwicheatin Says:

    Hooray for modern homeopathy. I can order Lachesis and cure not only my accidental wounds, but that swelling in the nape of my neck and my penile gangrene. It unfortunately doesn’t work for the masturbating in private.

  60. Ziziphus Says:

    Thank goodness that my intermittent, chronic Marxist Tendencies can finally be treated with Arsenicum Album!

  61. Sam Says:

    Trembling of the ears on receiving sad news: Sabina!

  62. Mae Says:

    mind; symptoms in moonlight;: Belladonna. Yes. The magical mind-altering powers of MOON LIGHT!

  63. KT Says:

    Apparently for my desire to drink wine that begins upon waking and is relieved by wine, I am to take arsenic. That certainly would seem to relieve most of my problems, but I was told that for my “work drives me crazy” ailment, that is aggravated by being told off and relieved by thinking of complaints, there is unfortunately no treatment.

    Generally, I find that the wine is the best treatment for that anyway, so perhaps I should just keep the status quo.

  64. Jeremy Says:

    I entered my dogs symptoms. Apparently, he needs Pulsatilla Nigricans. Damn, I wish I had known about this before I spent $30 on antibiotics. Either way, he’s fine. It seems those synthetic “unnatural” drugs can also work on animals. I wonder how many homeopathy advocates have used animal medical science on their pets?

  65. Paul Says:

    Damn they can’t cure my Heterosexuality, but Lachesis can cure homosexuality:

    mind; emotions, feelings, attitude, disposition; love; love-sick; homosexual or lesbian feelings;

    which is strange since it was subscribed for my back spasms before, Brad C’s cold and fecal issues, Kamil’s ear sensitivity, Twelvesamwicheatin’s accidental wounds, swelling in the nape of my neck and penile gangrene. Now since Homeopathy cures like with like (or more accuratly like with water), does tham mean if I take actual, non-Homeopathic, Lachesis will I become gay, love-sick, have ear sensitivity, cold and fecal issues, accidental wounds, swlling in my neck and penile gangrene?

  66. Miranda Says:

    I described thirst (possibly the only condition truly relieved through homeopathy!). Alas, it recommended not water, but Phosphorus.

    Interestingly, when asked to check what alleviates the symptom, ‘drinking water’ was not an option, but ‘not drinking’ was.

  67. John Says:

    Apparently my sweating when I am warm or during exertion which is worse in covered parts and can be improved by uncovering, can be all solved by “Cinchona Officinalis” which they will gladly sell me.

  68. bigcloits Says:

    After reading this about this I was suffering from “abdomen; pain; from laughing,“ but fortunately Nux Vomica will fix me up.

  69. Nash Says:

    The coughing from my genitals can be cured by Silver Nitrate.

    I was intrigued by the symptom “enjoying sex too much”. Why would I want to be cured of that?

    Also “turning from left to right relieves coughing” was an option, but not turning from right to left?

  70. Nash Says:

    Symptom – “gurgling in the testes, 5pm, going up” So if this happens at any other time I shouldn’t worry?

  71. katherine Says:

    I gave all the symptoms that led to me being implanted with a pacemaker! The result: Argentum Metallicum apparently will solve the problem of my heart stopping periodically.
    So fucking scary! People actually use this site instead of consulting with a medical professional. Un-fucking-believable!

  72. GRAHAM Says:



  73. Aaron Says:

    Well apparently my Migraines can be made better by “cold things” and has something to do with Jessica Alba… (or was it her sister Bryonia Alba?)
    Sounds like Crap based Medicine has done it again!
    I’m reassured by the colorful “buy” icons next to the links.

  74. TheicidalManiac Says:

    Fortunately Lycopodium Clavatum, which is, to my relief, sold at this wonderful website, can apparently cure my “small and cold penis,” which I reported was “relaxed when excited.”

  75. prl Says:

    I entered, as best I could, the headache symptoms I had that lead (after CT scan) to the diagnosis of a 6-cm diameter meningioma ( I was recommended water containing no measurable amount of Bryonia Alba.

    The surgery to remove the meningioma had me off work for 12 weeks, and left me without a sense of smell, but I just have a sneaking suspicion that it may have been more effective than water with no Bryonia Alba in it.

    But to be fair, they say themselves that you shouldn’t use their advice: “This site is for information only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Nothing on this site is a recommendation as to how to treat any particular disease or health-related condition. Not all conditions will respond to homeopathic treatment.”

    Have to agree with that last one!

  76. Lisa Says:

    Ha ha ha! At last, I can rid myself of those painful mental symptoms from sexual excesses.

    The homeopathic remedy which best matches your symptoms is Calcarea Carbonica Add to basket Of your symptoms, it applies to these:

    * mind; mental symptoms from sexual excesses;
    * generalities; better laying hand on a part;
    * generalities; worse pressure;
    * generalities; worse rubbing;
    * generalities; better rubbing;
    * generalities; symptoms from masturbation; ;
    * generalities; stone-cutters; ;
    * generalities; wine;

    However, it is not relevant to the following. If any of them are central to your case, you should consult the remedy grid (click next again).

    * mind; symptoms in moonlight; ;
    * mind; worse presence of stranger;
    * generalities; worse change of position;
    * generalities; worse rubbing; worse gently, stroking;
    * generalities; after undressing in the open air; ;

  77. Tia Harlowe Says:

    This is KILLING ME!
    I can’t stop laughing.
    There’s probably some water that will cure that too.
    How come so many guys described symptoms centered on the penis?
    Wait…I know that one

  78. Bonechar Says:

    For my feelings of hunger following fasting or physical exertion and generally happy, hopeful demeanor they recommended Sepia. I think I’m going to treat the first symptom by non-homeopathic means, though.

  79. LW Says:

    I entered symptoms of laughing until tears ran down my face and I was threatening to develop an asthma attack. I figured it happens late morning (now) and would be cured by moonlight because if I were exposed to moonlight I would not be sitting in front of the computer. “Chest; jerks” was the best I could do to represent laughing. (I thought I’d better add that my chest (the lungs part) was sensitive to air. I’m not sure what their lungs are sensitive to.) They recommended belladonna.

    “Of your symptoms, it applies to these:

    * eye; tears;
    * chest; congestion;
    * generalities; late morning; ;
    * generalities; extreme emotion;

    However, it is not relevant to the following. If any of them are central to your case, you should consult the remedy grid (click next again).

    * eye; better moonlight;
    * chest; sensitive to air;
    * chest; jerks;”

  80. Matt Says:

    For rectal trembling, there’s nothing like good old hemlock (Conium maculatum)…it worked wonders for Socrates.

  81. Matt Says:

    Skeptics sure do have some strange medical coditions, don’t they?

  82. Kate H Says:

    Hurrah, Aconitum Napellus will cure my cerebral haemorrhage.

  83. Bunk Says:

    I tried to enter simple knee pain after jogging as best I could. It took me about 10 different screens to get to Rhus Tox. If I had to repeat simple symptoms that often to my doctor, I’d fire him quickly.

  84. Flamethorn Says:

    I tried to fill it in for when I had the flu, but I gave up after the second long-ass page of ticky boxes.

    When I went to the doctor, it took about 5 minutes and “Yep, you have the flu.”

  85. Nomad Says:

    Well, snake venom (lachesis, also the name of a computer mouse I tried out but didn’t like) will apparently cure me of frequently masturbating and of expectoration in open air. However it won’t help with a jerking of my penis, or of bubbling from my urethra. Good taste prevents me from mentioning the taste of the expectoration (which I THINK was supposed to be coming out of my penis), but it’s alternately blue and white colored.

    And yes, I know when I say snake venom what I really mean is “water most likely containing one molecule or less of snake venom”, but that’s boring. Let’s at least pretend we’re actually dealing with interesting ingredients.

  86. Nomad Says:

    Woah, shoot, one more thing I just noticed. They have an “I have read the disclaimer” button, apparently to try to legally cover their asses from responsibility for what they’re doing, but the thing is, it’s ALWAYS checked. You can’t uncheck it if you try.

    What pretend drug do you have to take to be able to do something this unethical and still be able to sleep at night?

    They can give me a remedy for a prolonged thrill in my pubic hair, but I didn’t see any checkbox for “troubled by the terrible, terrible things I do to make money off of the credulous and ignorant”.

  87. schafw Says:

    I described Type I diabetes. They reccommended sulfur. Like it was only missing the cys-cys bridges between the alpha and beta chains of insulin.

  88. Tom Says:

    I said that I am tired. Rather than recommending a nap they suggested:

    The homeopathic remedy which best matches your symptoms is Pulsatilla Nigricans. I didn’t buy any since water comes from my tap for free.

  89. Joe Says:

    Here’s mine:
    The homeopathic remedy which best matches your symptoms is Calcarea Carbonica Add to basket Of your symptoms, it applies to these:

    * mind; worse darkness;
    * generalities; late morning; ;
    * generalities; aversion to open air;
    * generalities; bones; brittle bones;
    * generalities; stone-cutters; ;

    However, it is not relevant to the following. If any of them are central to your case, you should consult the remedy grid (click next again).

    * mind; eccentricity;
    * mind; fantasies; confused;
    * mind; symptoms in moonlight; ;
    * mind; better weeping;
    * genitals; male; blueness; scrotum; ;
    * generalities; worse moonlight;
    * generalities; better vomiting;

    But my blue scrotum, worsened in moonlight, is still un-remedied. Will just have to self-treat with weeping and vomiting.

    Must admit they have us stonecutters covered.

  90. Konrad Talmont-Kaminski Says:

    What I want to know is what happens if you try to wash down a homeopathic remedy with some water?

  91. Ged Warren Says:

    I have been recently been suffering from lethargy and poor memory:

    The homeopathic remedy which best matches your symptoms is Cyclamen Europaeum Add to basket Of your symptoms, it applies to these:

    * mind; memory; active memory; alternating with dullness; with weak memory;

    However, it is not relevant to the following. If any of them are central to your case, you should consult the remedy grid (click next again).

    * mind; memory; active memory; alternating with dullness; with weak memory; lethargic;

    Despite the leaden weight of apathy upon me I duly consulted the grid and was relieved to find that there was hope for me – the site recommended Aloe Socotrina for my symptoms.

    I thought about buying the remedy but I couldn’t remember where I put my wallet and I really couldn’t be bothered to look for it…

  92. Frances Says:

    I described everything I have right now: early flu symptoms, backache, sore feet from too much walking… it offered sulphur, I suspect because it couldn’t cope with that many things.

    If I had more patience I would go back again and see what cures stone-cutters with dwarfism, but I am not going through all that again. D:

  93. LW Says:

    Silicea cures stone-cutters with dwarfism. Why do they focus on stone-cutters, of whom there are relatively few, and not Internet addicts, of whom there are rather more?

  94. anne Says:

    I tried to describe the symptoms caused by reading this page, and was told that Belladonna would cure my moaning, dizziness, tears, throat pain, choking, asthmatic cough, chest pain and headache, which is relieved by lying down in a dark room, but not headache from laughing (worse when reading), or wheezing cough when laughing.

  95. anne Says:

    When I described the symptoms my brother had before being admitted to hospital for an emergency operation and having 60 cm of his small intestine removed, I was told to take arsenic…

  96. Michele Says:

    I was given Nux Vomica for my back pain with radiculopathy. Incidentally this is a mans drug for sympmtoms that come from the stresses of business life. WTF? It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with years of being an O.R. Nurse, lifting heavy patients, pushing gurneys that don’t steer, running up and down halls for supplies, standing during long cases…..

  97. Lepht Says:

    they don’t have a cure for my vampirism. damn.


  98. Plant Doc Says:

    Imagine my surprise when I was diagnosed with Agaricus Muscarius, poisoning by a psychotropic fungus! And to think, I thought it was just a little light-headedness from too much coffee in the morning! Dang mushrooms.

  99. wondering Says:

    Apparently a deep hacking cough with some expectorant can be cured with phosphorous. I look forward to having a glow-in-the-dark throat.

  100. The Evil Eyebrow » Blog Archive » Homeopathic Asscrackers, Batman! Says:

    […] One of the postings is of particular amusment because it points you toward an online homepathic self diagnostic tool. Some of the symptoms that you are able to pick in order to diagnose your ailment, and its homeopathic remedy, border on the ridiculous. […]

  101. Your Name Here Says:

    One of the symptoms I checked was “mind; delusions, imaginations, hallucinations, illusions; murder; will murder family with a hatchet;”

    I’m so tempted to send them an email asking if I need to modify the treatment for hallucinations of murdering family with a chainsaw instead of a hatchet

  102. Nothing Says:

    @Lepht: Sure it does you just need to enter the symptoms right.

    Arsenicum Album for:
    # mind; death; sensation of death;
    # mind; death; thoughts of death;
    # mind; desires, wants; to kill;
    # mind; desires, wants; to kill; sudden impulse to kill;
    # mind; desires, wants; to kill; on waking; ;
    # vision; acute;
    # hearing; too sensitive;
    # face; appearance as if dead;
    # sleep; deep;
    # skin; coldness;
    # skin; coldness; night; ;
    # skin; coldness; icy;

  103. Teresa Says:

    My allergies can be cured by Phosphorous (or so they say).

    When describing my cough, the wanted to know what symptoms I had. At one point, the symptom list consisted of only one thing: cold air. I didn’t realize cold air was a symptom. Symptom of what? I live in Alaska. Does this mean that 7 months of winter is a symptom of my common allergies? It doesn’t make sense.

    I think I’ll just stick with my normal regimen of Claritin and keeping the house well ventilated and free of dust and pet hair.

  104. peaches Says:

    Wow, that was great! It turns out that Lachesis will cure gangrene, syphilis, bruises, injuries of soft parts and general symptoms which occur non-symmetrically in a crosswise pattern. Screw you evidence based medicine!

    Sadly, it offered no suggestions for my general symptoms which occur after eating peaches and get worse after rotten sausage and turnips. I guess I’ll just have to go to my chiropractor/acupuncturist’s for advice on that.

  105. Scientizzle Says:

    Arnica Montana will help with my:

    injuries and accidents, bruises, injuries in general, & injuries of soft parts.

    However, it won’t help my:
    extremities, limbs; anthrax;
    extremities, limbs; hands and feet; blood oozing from finger nails;
    extremities, limbs; hands and feet; nails; slow growth of finger nails;
    extremities, limbs; hands and feet; nails; thin nails;
    injuries and accidents; injuries of tendons.

    I’ll have to go to my chiropractor for the anthrax, I think…

  106. Xander Says:

    Apparently Sepia is the prescribed homepathic treatment for my sweating balls.

  107. waltdakind Says:

    I wondered what it could do for the effects of alcohol.
    Rather than going for their cure for Insanity, in Alcoholics
    I decided to go with General Affects of Alcohol –> Brandy
    Many treatments listed but top three were Sulphur, Opium and Nux Vomica!

  108. Nicky Nocky Noo Says:

    Seems all that night time P**** head jerking will be fixed by a molecule of Phosphorus in the local swimming pool, and joy upon joy it will stop my pubic hair dropping out.

  109. BigFrankieC Says:

    It would seem that getting punched in the throat can be helped with some good old, Lachesis.

    For my own medical advice, try an outward block. This prevents the throat punching in the first place. …though it is comforting to know that drinking some Lachesis will fix me right up, while I choke to death on my own crushed larynx.

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  111. Sampson Says:

    OMG, what a load of crap. They recommend Pulsatilla Nigricans for my ‘Back Pain; Morning’, but not for ‘Back Pain; Aching; Morning’. So, it works as long as the pain isn’t an ache.

  112. Transplanted Lawyer Says:

    I described the symptoms of acute appendicitis and was told to take sulfur.

  113. meursalt Says:

    I posted my symptoms for a minor staph infection and tinea pedis, and got a great recommendation: Mercury! Apparently it doesn’t cause autism when used in 2X dilution to treat infection. The logic, paraphrased in much shorter form, is thus:

    Abcesses and and ringworm bear a superficial resemblance to syphilis lesions. Mercury poisoning can manifest lesions which also resemble syphilis. Therefore, a teeny tiny bit of mercury cures skin infections. QED.

    I’m going right out to pick up a thermometer and lots and lots of water. I’m so happy that is giving responsible medical advice to those of us in need. They were even kind enough to provide a link where I can buy homeopathic Mercurius Vivus “pellets” in case I’m not comfortable preparing the dilution personally. Thanks,!

  114. J Smith Says:

    Apparently, phosphorous will cure my sexual mania and frequent urge to seek solitude whilst masturbating, but not my dribbling semen.
    Why am I suddenly picturing sailors with basketballs? Hmmm, wonder if there’s a cure for that?

  115. Seathrun O Coileain Says:

    Okay, after the fifth screen I gave up. I’ll just get a glass of water from the faucet and be done with it.

  116. Dr. Nancy Malik Says:

    Real (homeopathic) medicine cures even when Conventional Allopathic Medicine (CAM) fails

  117. toenail fungus treatments Says:

    toenail fungus treatments…

    Merely wanted to point out that your page is awesome. Very clear and well laid out….

  118. Jeremie Says:

    Also, Nux Moschata will cure your skepticism! Cures: “mind; perception; things seem ludicrous”

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  123. Seathrun O Coileain Says:

    So apparently I can be cured of my fatigue, anemia, bloody stools and unexplained weight loss with Pulsatilla Nigricans. I can even buy it from their website! And I was just about to put my life into the hands of those evil doctors. Now I can look forward to a long and healthy life.

  124. Felicia Says:

    An attention-grabbing discussion is price comment. I feel that it’s best to write more on this subject, it might not be a taboo subject however usually people are not sufficient to talk on such topics. To the next. Cheers

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