I am conducting an official, scientifically verifiable, and undoubtedly, brilliant study. Click on this site, enter your symptoms, view the results, and report back on your findings so that I can incorporate the data into the study.
Good news! Asparagus officinalis will help me with my cough which gets better each time I cough. I thought that simply coughing a couple of times to clear my throat would be enough, but now I know that I need a homeopathic supplement.
I am not terrible ill, so i made one up. I complained of a sore, itchy pain and a sensation of a foreign body between my buttocks and in my anus caused be severe rupturing which got worse during sex, and that sneezing caused an involuntary stool…
they recommended sulphur.
hope i helped!
I put in a ridiculous mixture of mental problems, physical head pain and scary genital issues about which they asked disturbingly many questions. It recommended Belladonna, with a handy link to buy it.
I said I itched all over in lots of different ways. The remedy is sulphur for about half of the itching symptoms. I got to see a “Remedy Grid”. It was a big matrix with lots of kinds of itching vs. these remedies: Sulphur, Mezereum, Alumina, Agaricus Muscarius, Causticum, Lycopodium Clavatum, Phosphorus, Mercurius Vivus, Arsenicum Album, Rhus Tox, Silicea, and Calcarea Carbonica. There were links to buy all of those remedies. How helpful!
Well, I described standard allergy symptoms: congestion, sneezing, coughing, itchy throat and nose, etc. They recommend Nux Vomica.
That was rather amusing to go through. Some of the things were just absurd, and then they left out obvious things like allergens. But apparently some people with one of the things supposedly feel better when they kneel facing their pillow. And a lot of other weird things which really made no sense at all. I think I’ll stick with real doctors. Or nothing, since that would do the same thing and is far cheaper.
I don’t have any illnesses, so I put in a range of different symptoms, just kind of clicking on what was most amusing. Apparently, Nux Vomica should cure a number of my symptoms, including my problems when “frolicking with a woman” but not my face cancer. Also, I noticed one of the questions asked whether one “seeks solitude for masturbation” as a symptom. Who doesn’t do that? I would think that going to the mall or the workplace to do so would be a symptom of a problem. But I’m not a homeopathic doctor, so how would I know?
Okay, this is too funny. I put in the symptoms of being constantly lazy just for kicks. Results follow. Also, one of the tick boxes had as an option, and I quote,”shuns the foolishness of men”. I’m going to use that one next time I go to a real doctor.
“The homeopathic remedy which best matches your symptoms is Pulsatilla Nigricans Add to basket Of your symptoms, it applies to these:
Apparently I am in desperate need of something called “Placebo.” They could not help me find this anywhere. Please, please, if any of you know where I can find some Placebo, please let me know. I already tried AOL.
I said I had “general injuries” to the genital area relating to “accidents and injuries” and it eventually, though many pages of defining, brought me to a page that contained the symptom “right ovary feels like a heavy ball”. Buh??!
Interstingly, persistent male erection whilst riding, with impotence at all other times, is best alleviated by Baryta Carbonica (which is also efficacious in the treatment of scrofulous children – no home is complete without a bottle).
I tried another, since there is so much potential for fun with all the symptoms they can ‘cure’…
For my ‘spasming nose-wings’, i should apparently drink a homeopathic concoction of Lycopodium Clavatum, which i looked up on wikipedia. It is a member of the clubmoss family, whose spores are explosive if in high enough concentration in air. Mentions nothing of miraculous healing powers, though.
Graphite apparently works wonders when your face is paralysed and has a sensation of cold air blowing on it. Or, Cimicifuga Racemosa if you sigh too much. If you are unfortunate enough to suffer from insanity which comes on suddenly during a thunder storm (and gets aggarvated when you see shiny objects, but is alleviated by rocking’ you should consider taking Hyoscyamus Niger. My favourite, though, is that they say taking Belladonna should help if you get ‘high spirited after drinking’!
Well, I’m a fat insomniac with acne, back pain, and feelings of rage.
Apparently, Sulphur is the treatment for all of these. Good thing I can get the stuff pure at work, along with purified water. But where am I going to find a good, leather-bound bible to succuss it with?
Lachesis is the cure to my cold and disturbing fecal issues. I am being prudent and buying a litre of the “1M” potency for $169.99.
Do they think the raft of questions lends them a sense of legitimacy? I like the part that said “If you are satisfied with the symptoms you have entered so far, just hit the Next button without filling out any more boxes.” Wow, totally inaccurate AND time-saving!
apparently for my acne problems, there isn’t one cure-all, I need different ones for back and chest. Now, I would have thought I’d get enough Carbo Vegetabilis already, courtesy of my infrequent cooking disasters, since it’s “Vegetable Charcoal”. They also suggested Baryta Carbonica (Barium Carbonate)… forgive me if I’m wrong, but don’t they use Barium to show up your yummy insides on X-rays?
But it’s just struck me, a homeopathic remedy’s function is not to put more of these things in your system, they’re specially targeted dilution agents to reduce the amount of Active Ingredient already in the bloodstream to Substantially Effective Quantities. -THAT- is why when skeptics test it, they only find water.
I actually do have this symptom so I guess I’m a better candidate for this highly scientific, officious, and brilliant study. I just took a large glass of homeopathic remedy from the tap in order to cure me of my symptoms.
The homeopathic remedy which best matches your symptoms is Lachesis Of your symptoms, it applies to these:
I now know that Pulsatilla Nigricans will help me with the pain in my left knee. Especially since warmth makes it better and worse and cold makes it better and worse. Walking both makes it better and worse. As a matter of fact, everything makes it better (and worse).
I put in excema (reasonable proxy for my psoriasis) but the suggested remedy was pretty shocking:
Secretions Have a filthy smell. Profuse sweating. Cardiac weakness. Skin symptoms very prominent. Often gives immunity from cold-catching. Easy perspiration when walking. Syphilis, inherited and tertiary
Pulsatilla Nigricans apparently can help with my nose bleedings (and also if I would ever feel uncomfortable with only one pillow or afraid of ghosts). There’s a bunch of crap that can help me with my long sleep and difficult waking up, like Nux Vomica (good if I You don’t want to be touched or have a optic nerve atrophy) or Camphora Officinarum (cures cold and involuntary stool). And if I ever decide that my increased ear sensitivity is something that needs to be taken care of, I will simply buy Lachesis (or just borrow it from a friend who has nightly delusions of fire and cellulitis) or Zincum Metallicum (seems also good for bleeding gums and reflex symptoms from floating kidney). I think that’s enough :)
Damn, I couldn’t resist. For the feeling of my penis being absent I should use… cocaine. Not a joke, http://abchomeopathy.com/writearem.php?abrev=cocaine.
Short erection after sexual intercourse seems something worth curing. I’ve chosen Natrum Carbonicum, cause it also can solve my problem of being hungry at 5 a.m and… oversensitive of hearing… well, it wasn’t in the suggestions when I picked that very symptom… nevermind.
At some point, I was allowed to complain about an aura that extends from my womb to my neck. I suggested that this aura also smells of sperm. My poop is apparently white, like curdled cheese and smells of dead bodies. I don’t even know what they recommended. I was laughing too much at the available answers to bother getting to the end.
Since all you are giving the patient at the end of the day is water on a sugar pill, then it doesn’t really matter what results your program comes up with. There isn’t a quality control issue here.
Hope this helps.
You don’t have ‘fear of tigers’ or lions as a symptom.
Seriously? What do you normally expect from the main cavity in your face?
And if you were to fill it with water that would solve the problem (if you really insist it IS a problem). No need to add the Aconitum Napellus that is recommended. Why go to all the hassle of adding it, then diluting it to a state of non-presence, just to fill the mouth with water?
Hooray for modern homeopathy. I can order Lachesis and cure not only my accidental wounds, but that swelling in the nape of my neck and my penile gangrene. It unfortunately doesn’t work for the masturbating in private.
Apparently for my desire to drink wine that begins upon waking and is relieved by wine, I am to take arsenic. That certainly would seem to relieve most of my problems, but I was told that for my “work drives me crazy” ailment, that is aggravated by being told off and relieved by thinking of complaints, there is unfortunately no treatment.
Generally, I find that the wine is the best treatment for that anyway, so perhaps I should just keep the status quo.
I entered my dogs symptoms. Apparently, he needs Pulsatilla Nigricans. Damn, I wish I had known about this before I spent $30 on antibiotics. Either way, he’s fine. It seems those synthetic “unnatural” drugs can also work on animals. I wonder how many homeopathy advocates have used animal medical science on their pets?
which is strange since it was subscribed for my back spasms before, Brad C’s cold and fecal issues, Kamil’s ear sensitivity, Twelvesamwicheatin’s accidental wounds, swelling in the nape of my neck and penile gangrene. Now since Homeopathy cures like with like (or more accuratly like with water), does tham mean if I take actual, non-Homeopathic, Lachesis will I become gay, love-sick, have ear sensitivity, cold and fecal issues, accidental wounds, swlling in my neck and penile gangrene?
I gave all the symptoms that led to me being implanted with a pacemaker! The result: Argentum Metallicum apparently will solve the problem of my heart stopping periodically.
So fucking scary! People actually use this site instead of consulting with a medical professional. Un-fucking-believable!
Well apparently my Migraines can be made better by “cold things” and has something to do with Jessica Alba… (or was it her sister Bryonia Alba?)
Sounds like Crap based Medicine has done it again!
I’m reassured by the colorful “buy” icons next to the links.
I entered, as best I could, the headache symptoms I had that lead (after CT scan) to the diagnosis of a 6-cm diameter meningioma (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meningioma). I was recommended water containing no measurable amount of Bryonia Alba.
The surgery to remove the meningioma had me off work for 12 weeks, and left me without a sense of smell, but I just have a sneaking suspicion that it may have been more effective than water with no Bryonia Alba in it.
But to be fair, they say themselves that you shouldn’t use their advice: “This site is for information only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Nothing on this site is a recommendation as to how to treat any particular disease or health-related condition. Not all conditions will respond to homeopathic treatment.”
Ha ha ha! At last, I can rid myself of those painful mental symptoms from sexual excesses.
The homeopathic remedy which best matches your symptoms is Calcarea Carbonica Add to basket Of your symptoms, it applies to these:
* mind; mental symptoms from sexual excesses;
* generalities; better laying hand on a part;
* generalities; worse pressure;
* generalities; worse rubbing;
* generalities; better rubbing;
* generalities; symptoms from masturbation; ;
* generalities; stone-cutters; ;
* generalities; wine;
However, it is not relevant to the following. If any of them are central to your case, you should consult the remedy grid (click next again).
* mind; symptoms in moonlight; ;
* mind; worse presence of stranger;
* generalities; worse change of position;
* generalities; worse rubbing; worse gently, stroking;
* generalities; after undressing in the open air; ;
For my feelings of hunger following fasting or physical exertion and generally happy, hopeful demeanor they recommended Sepia. I think I’m going to treat the first symptom by non-homeopathic means, though.
I entered symptoms of laughing until tears ran down my face and I was threatening to develop an asthma attack. I figured it happens late morning (now) and would be cured by moonlight because if I were exposed to moonlight I would not be sitting in front of the computer. “Chest; jerks” was the best I could do to represent laughing. (I thought I’d better add that my chest (the lungs part) was sensitive to air. I’m not sure what their lungs are sensitive to.) They recommended belladonna.
I tried to enter simple knee pain after jogging as best I could. It took me about 10 different screens to get to Rhus Tox. If I had to repeat simple symptoms that often to my doctor, I’d fire him quickly.
Well, snake venom (lachesis, also the name of a computer mouse I tried out but didn’t like) will apparently cure me of frequently masturbating and of expectoration in open air. However it won’t help with a jerking of my penis, or of bubbling from my urethra. Good taste prevents me from mentioning the taste of the expectoration (which I THINK was supposed to be coming out of my penis), but it’s alternately blue and white colored.
And yes, I know when I say snake venom what I really mean is “water most likely containing one molecule or less of snake venom”, but that’s boring. Let’s at least pretend we’re actually dealing with interesting ingredients.
Woah, shoot, one more thing I just noticed. They have an “I have read the disclaimer” button, apparently to try to legally cover their asses from responsibility for what they’re doing, but the thing is, it’s ALWAYS checked. You can’t uncheck it if you try.
What pretend drug do you have to take to be able to do something this unethical and still be able to sleep at night?
They can give me a remedy for a prolonged thrill in my pubic hair, but I didn’t see any checkbox for “troubled by the terrible, terrible things I do to make money off of the credulous and ignorant”.
I tried to describe the symptoms caused by reading this page, and was told that Belladonna would cure my moaning, dizziness, tears, throat pain, choking, asthmatic cough, chest pain and headache, which is relieved by lying down in a dark room, but not headache from laughing (worse when reading), or wheezing cough when laughing.
I was given Nux Vomica for my back pain with radiculopathy. Incidentally this is a mans drug for sympmtoms that come from the stresses of business life. WTF? It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with years of being an O.R. Nurse, lifting heavy patients, pushing gurneys that don’t steer, running up and down halls for supplies, standing during long cases…..
Imagine my surprise when I was diagnosed with Agaricus Muscarius, poisoning by a psychotropic fungus! And to think, I thought it was just a little light-headedness from too much coffee in the morning! Dang mushrooms.
[…] One of the postings is of particular amusment because it points you toward an online homepathic self diagnostic tool. Some of the symptoms that you are able to pick in order to diagnose your ailment, and its homeopathic remedy, border on the ridiculous. […]
My allergies can be cured by Phosphorous (or so they say).
When describing my cough, the wanted to know what symptoms I had. At one point, the symptom list consisted of only one thing: cold air. I didn’t realize cold air was a symptom. Symptom of what? I live in Alaska. Does this mean that 7 months of winter is a symptom of my common allergies? It doesn’t make sense.
I think I’ll just stick with my normal regimen of Claritin and keeping the house well ventilated and free of dust and pet hair.
Wow, that was great! It turns out that Lachesis will cure gangrene, syphilis, bruises, injuries of soft parts and general symptoms which occur non-symmetrically in a crosswise pattern. Screw you evidence based medicine!
Sadly, it offered no suggestions for my general symptoms which occur after eating peaches and get worse after rotten sausage and turnips. I guess I’ll just have to go to my chiropractor/acupuncturist’s for advice on that.
injuries and accidents, bruises, injuries in general, & injuries of soft parts.
However, it won’t help my:
extremities, limbs; anthrax;
extremities, limbs; hands and feet; blood oozing from finger nails;
extremities, limbs; hands and feet; nails; slow growth of finger nails;
extremities, limbs; hands and feet; nails; thin nails;
injuries and accidents; injuries of tendons.
I’ll have to go to my chiropractor for the anthrax, I think…
I wondered what it could do for the effects of alcohol.
Rather than going for their cure for Insanity, in Alcoholics
I decided to go with General Affects of Alcohol –> Brandy
Many treatments listed but top three were Sulphur, Opium and Nux Vomica!
It would seem that getting punched in the throat can be helped with some good old, Lachesis.
For my own medical advice, try an outward block. This prevents the throat punching in the first place. …though it is comforting to know that drinking some Lachesis will fix me right up, while I choke to death on my own crushed larynx.
I posted my symptoms for a minor staph infection and tinea pedis, and got a great recommendation: Mercury! Apparently it doesn’t cause autism when used in 2X dilution to treat infection. The logic, paraphrased in much shorter form, is thus:
Abcesses and and ringworm bear a superficial resemblance to syphilis lesions. Mercury poisoning can manifest lesions which also resemble syphilis. Therefore, a teeny tiny bit of mercury cures skin infections. QED.
I’m going right out to pick up a thermometer and lots and lots of water. I’m so happy that abchomeopathy.com is giving responsible medical advice to those of us in need. They were even kind enough to provide a link where I can buy homeopathic Mercurius Vivus “pellets” in case I’m not comfortable preparing the dilution personally. Thanks, abchomeopathy.com!
Apparently, phosphorous will cure my sexual mania and frequent urge to seek solitude whilst masturbating, but not my dribbling semen.
Why am I suddenly picturing sailors with basketballs? Hmmm, wonder if there’s a cure for that?
[…] Sexy”on CBM. For a little while there, this blog was seeing some rather impressive traffic (118 replies to one post in particular). I know that I let out several LOL’s reading these old posts, and I am sure others will find […]
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So apparently I can be cured of my fatigue, anemia, bloody stools and unexplained weight loss with Pulsatilla Nigricans. I can even buy it from their website! And I was just about to put my life into the hands of those evil doctors. Now I can look forward to a long and healthy life.
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